THE WINNERS
Joey Cheek – Humble in victory, donates winnings to children’s charity. America the way it ought to be.
US Men’s Curling – Wins bronze as nation snoozes. USA! USA! USA!
Shaun White aka “The Flying Tomato” – wins Olympic halfpipe gold, then makes play for Sasha Cohen on national television during Costas interview. Party on, dude!
Shizuka Arakawa – Classy elegance in the way of Mischelle Kwan; a national treasure for Japan.
Belbin and Agosto – I’m surprised the ice didn’t melt.
Evgeni Plushenko – It ain’t braggin’ if you can do it.
Chip Knight – The un-Bode. Pays $8000 of his own hard-earned money for the privilege of skiing on a loser US Ski team that doesn’t want him. Finishes 15th in the slalom and acts as though he just won gold. Bode should pay this guy $8K out of his stupid Nike endorsement.
Korean Short Track Speed Skating – Made a big “oh no” out of Ohno.
Apolo Anton Ohno – Comes out of Zen state long enough to beat archrival Ahn Hyun-soo, this time without a referee’s call. Actually smiles. Very cool guy.
Hannah Teter – Wins halfpipe gold on first run and then turns in an even more massive performance on her “victory lap” saying, “I’m so representing.” You so did, Hannah!
Lindsey Kildow – More than a pretty face on skis. Has huge crash in practice run, gets airlifted to the hospital and returns to the competition 48 hours later. Unlike Bode Miller who is unable to finish his races after partying all night.
Gretchen Bleiler – Snowboarding cover girl slides through out of bounds area with friend Hannah Teter just prior to Halfpipe finals. Girls just wanna have fun and win medals.
Julia Mancuso – Bails out pathetic performance by US ski team with killer giant slalom run, unlike Bode Miller.
Maurizio Margaglio – Did you catch the dirty look skating partner Barbara Fusar-Poli gave him after she tripped over his feet? Maurizio did the manly thing: Nothing. On behalf of men everywhere who have seen that look under lesser circumstances, this Bud’s for you, Maurizio.
American Idol – Demolishes NBC in the ratings competition.
Chad Hedrick – Three Olympic medals on a Texas-sized ego. America the way it actually appears to the rest of the world – embarrassing.
Shauni Davis – He’d be even faster without that 50 pound chip on his shoulder.
Bodi Miller – Tries to convince media that 0 for 5 is a good Olympics. Hard to win with all that ‘tude, dude.
Lindsay Jacobellis – Trades Olympic gold for “method grab” 50 yards from finish line.
US Ice Hockey – Next time send the Mighty Ducks.
US Ski Team – Note to selves: Win first, boast later. Or like winner Joey Cheek, don’t boast at all.
Sasha Cohen – Does pouty little diva thing, then falls on tiny tushy in opening of long program. Snubs the “Flying Tomato” in interview with Costas. Three words for Shaun: “High Maintenance, Dude.”
Jeret “Speedy” Peterson – US aerial acrobatic skier nearly executes first-ever “Hurricane” maneuver, then gets into drunken fight with his own friend and is thrown out of Italy. What do you expect from a guy who spins and flips 50 feet in the air on skis?
The Biathalon – Cross-country skiing and small bore rifle, the Norwegian equivalent of a drive-by shooting. See what happens when you live in a place where it snows 13 months out of the year?
John Nicks – Sasha Cohen’s Olympic coach. Next?
Ice Dancing Costumes – Talk about an equipment malfunction waiting to happen! Some outfits made Britney Spears look classy.
NBC – The “Nitwit Broadcasting Company,” who brought you endless commercials, delayed videotaped action, tedious commentary, and marquee events at midnight. Now that’s entertainment!
HA!!!!! Britney Spears look classy? WOW!!! How’d I miss it?